Grieving 101: My Promise to John

Ok, little brother.  Today marks one month since we lost you.  

I'm back to counting days (30) and weeks (4)  and months (1) since the moment of impact.

I have reset my watch.  I'm starting from the beginning again, re-navigating through Grief.  

You'd think I'd have this place thoroughly mapped out by now.  "Turn here.  Stop here.  Avoid this spot.  Don't even consider going to that one."  You know, the rules of the rocky road.

Well, that doesn't exactly apply this time around.  It seems your passing has taken me deeper into this forest.  Far further than I've ever been before. New terrain. New depths.  New hazards.

But, I want you to know something and it's important.  I want you to know that I won't let you down.

I know, I know...it hasn't looked too good lately.  Me crying into my fists.  Sobbing my days away.  Overcome with sadness.  A total fucking mess.

I see my reflection.  I'm aware of how bleak it's been.

But today, somehow, I realized that the person looking back in the mirror, with her swollen eyes and tear streaked cheeks, needs to make her little brother proud.

I also realized that's not going to happen by sitting at home, avoiding calls, shutting the world out.

So, I am making you a promise.  I'll find my way.  

I will live these days, as brightly as I possibly can...not just without you...but FOR YOU.  

I'll see...I'll do...I'll visit...I'll feel...I'll wonder...I'll wander and I'll love everything I'm able to in this life - not just or me...but I'll do it for you, too.

That's my promise.  Because that's how much I love you.

PS:  Get ready for the time of your other-wordly life.