Happy & The Holidays

I wish the stain of losing people we love (to suicide, overdose and strings of unhealthy choices that could lead nowhere else) would fade, just a little.

Bright and shiny holidays are smeared.  Special occasions chipped.

I'm so fucking tired of the missing, the grieving and the sadness.  

I'm so fucking tired of making the best of shitty situations.

I'm tired of a Christmas song coming on and instantly reminding me of my mum, bopping around in our kitchen making our house smell like magic.  

I'm tired of my eyes filling up with tears totally against my will.  

I'm tired of sitting here, stunned still, that the holidays I miss so much will never be again.

And I'm tired of wanting that so badly because my rational mind knows that we must create our own version of holidays now and keep moving forward.

But how does one wake up each morning and choose to move forward "happily" when people they love didn't even choose to stay?

With a lot of energy, hard work and discipline, that's how.

With a lot of unanswered questions, too.

My pendulum swings with ferocity some days.  

It might sound fun but trust me, it isn't pretty.

I go from happy to sad, pissed to glad in a blink.   It's like an ultimate spin cycle but without choosing it.

Holidays magnify the spin.

Holidays magnify everything, actually.  The happy moments, the sad moments, the wanting and the missing.

The holidays are fucking exhausting.

I think I need to go back to bed and try to choose "happy" one more time.

:: Always from under the same sky ::

Tara

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Faith

Life isn't perfect.

Life isn't easy.

Life isn't even pretty, at times.

That's right.

At times it's hard.

That soul-straining, heart-wrenching and hope shattering kind of hard.

It withers you down, leaving you with but a sliver of Faith.

Your battered and war torn shell holds that remnant tightly.

It's all you have left.

You are weak and unstable yet you rise to your feet.

You realize you mustn't stay here.

You must leave this unforgiving place.

You must not live in Grief forever.

You have to keep going.

You lift your gaze to the road ahead.

It looks as tortured and unkind as the spot you stand in now.

It's wild, overgrown, dark and bitterly cold.

Yet, you decide to move forward anyway.

Faith, so fragile, nearly transparent, refuses to stay behind.

You go, together.

Your hesitant steps take you through "Unthinkable" and beyond "Impossible".

In time, those steps turn to strides and you go over "I can't" and around "Regret". 

Soon, something unexpected happens.

You find yourself in a clearing.

The once unwavering gray clouds part.

Your eyes seek safety.

You feel a blanket of unfamiliar warmth surround you.

It is in this moment you realize how numb and how cold you been for so long.

Your fingers slowly loosen their bare-knuckled grip.

Your eyes open, ever so slowly.

And there it is...

You found the light again.

You allow it to wash over you.

You drop the heavy load of armor you bear.

An exhale escapes.

A smile blooms.

A prayer of gratitude is whispered.

Tears fall downward along your sun-kissed cheeks.

You are acutely aware that these tears are of a different breed.

They are not for protection.

Instead they are gifts.

They are offerings of relief, of healing and of renewed Hope.

These tears are in dedication to your kind and loyal companion.

The one who never abandoned you.

These tears are for your true and unbreakable Faith.

........ ........ ........

:: Always from under the same sky ::

Tara

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Tara Mazzeo

Tara Mazzeo

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