Happy & The Holidays

I wish the stain of losing people we love (to suicide, overdose and strings of unhealthy choices that could lead nowhere else) would fade, just a little.

Bright and shiny holidays are smeared.  Special occasions chipped.

I'm so fucking tired of the missing, the grieving and the sadness.  

I'm so fucking tired of making the best of shitty situations.

I'm tired of a Christmas song coming on and instantly reminding me of my mum, bopping around in our kitchen making our house smell like magic.  

I'm tired of my eyes filling up with tears totally against my will.  

I'm tired of sitting here, stunned still, that the holidays I miss so much will never be again.

And I'm tired of wanting that so badly because my rational mind knows that we must create our own version of holidays now and keep moving forward.

But how does one wake up each morning and choose to move forward "happily" when people they love didn't even choose to stay?

With a lot of energy, hard work and discipline, that's how.

With a lot of unanswered questions, too.

My pendulum swings with ferocity some days.  

It might sound fun but trust me, it isn't pretty.

I go from happy to sad, pissed to glad in a blink.   It's like an ultimate spin cycle but without choosing it.

Holidays magnify the spin.

Holidays magnify everything, actually.  The happy moments, the sad moments, the wanting and the missing.

The holidays are fucking exhausting.

I think I need to go back to bed and try to choose "happy" one more time.

:: Always from under the same sky ::

Tara

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11441111/?claim=dk6y2mubyhq">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>